“If you want to move, I’ll move. If you want to stay, I’ll stay”

After spending a rare weekend together in Albany for a friend’s wedding, that was the answer I recieved when I asked the fellow snoring to my right how he felt about moving. Based on the fact that he was virtually homeless with no job and I was at a dead end part time job , that may have been the most unselfish answer he’s ever given me.

I have never been happier with any decision in my life.

On July 13th, I borrowed $100 bucks from my reluctant mother, rented a truck, packed up and moved to Decatur, Ga. It was a tough start, but nothing worth having comes easy.

I’ve lost some friends. Reasons ranging from immaturity, inability to reciprocate communication attempts, and not being able to put personal feelings aside to be a true friend. But I’ve made a few new associates as well.

Us? We had……talks. Just honest open talks that I usually run from. Clearing the air, discussing our issues, making a plan of action and sticking to it. It’s all or nothing. And we’ve had nothing for a while now.

But most important of all, I am educating myself to do what I love and that makes me feel….happy. I was stressed so long, I forgot how happy felt.

I keep getting asked why Im doing this. Why I didn’t stay with my parents, why I “choose to struggle”.

My question is why should I compromise my attainable dreams for a constant threat of taking away my stability?

If you could live easy…as long as you did exactly what someone said and lived a life they wanted you to….would you? You learned what they wanted you to, dated who they wanted you to, lived your life to please them…..would it be worth it? Especially as you watch someone you love slowly unravel due to circumstances?

It wasn’t worth it to me.

But this is. Going to school, working, fixing up the house. Having a life of my own. Making my own decisions. Meeting new people. Adjusting to a new life.

It isn’t perfect. But i love it. I wake up and go to bed happy. Even though it’s on the floor because we haven’t bought a bed yet.

My life is a perfect imperfection.

But i doubt anyone noticed I was gone.

It’s been so long. Since I’ve been socially connected to anything or anyone. I embraced that time though, it was good food for thought. 

I have recently been thinking about my life after my downfall and slow but steady rise to the top. 

I once upon a time, in elementary school, believed I wanted to be a journalist. Soooo, I wrote everything. My feelings, my thoughts, the whole nine. But I had parents who didnt believe in privacy. So, I decided writing wasnt the best fit for me. 

I then believe being a teacher was my calling. I loved kids, they made me happy. But I had very money conscious parents who discouraged that idea due to a teachers pay. 

So i went to school and lived on my own. And got evicted. And was homeless. And didnt tell my parents. Who found out…..and believed the best thing for me was to return home where they could once again instill wonderful values in me to create a positive environment. 

What happened was I ended up broke and depressed. With parents to associated living with them as being 16 again. Including the idea of chores and 10pm curfews despite the fact I had lived alone for 3 years and turned 24 on the 15th of April. 

Needless to say the experience has shown me a few things that I figure I may as well share with the world, regardless of if anyone reads it or not. 

I am waaay to willing to change my idea of my life and how I want it to be to please others. Which is lame of me. Despite my independent drive, i still fall victim to guilt trips :/

I am also too willing to accept titles people give me. I have been labeled the “black sheep” of my family. I’m not sure why. I dont do much. Occasionally I drink, sometimes I smoke a bit. I like a nice weave in my hair and slowly I am becoming fond of the idea of tattoos. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

And finally, I am willing to let others convince me to make choices that benefit me in no way possible at all whatsoever. I have spent a lot of my life pretending to focus on me, but not really doing it. 

The thing is, despite knowing all of this, I’m still unsure of what i should do. How I should do it, who i should be. And Im only getting older. So I’ve decided to do what i want. For once. 

And of course accept the consequences

I almost forgot how I used to be

N a tattoo on my side